paternity test
© 1999 Devon Koren

are you the one who bought me breakfast
three hours after
a little pink line
dismantled and reconstructed the folds of my life
leaving me shaking on the shoreline of tears but with
not enough water
in my soul to break?
were you the one who told me that i must make the decision
i would regret the least
and that I had to listen to what
i knew was right
and didn't try to influence me
one way or the other
even though you had your
own opinions?
were you the one who pulled back my hair,
mopped up vomit from the bathroom rug
at four in the morning,
and ran warm water for my bath
when morning sickness would
attack my sleep and leave me
restless
and drained?
were you the one who carried my backpack, basket of baby goodies,
laundry,
groceries,
yoga mats,
when my shoulders hurt, when my feet were staining my socks crimson?
were you the one who brought me bread, milk,
cereal,
teenage mutant ninja turtle ravioli,
liquid tylenol,
applesauce, oatmeal cookies, and
valentine flowers
when I was so sick in bed with the flu in
february
that my limbs were frozen in still-life?
did you skip school to come see my first ultrasound, lying to your mother,
struggled through rush-hour knoxville traffic with me
and screamed obscenities at the stupid man who blindly backed into my car
in the hospital parking lot?
were you there when i first heard her heartbeat,
when i first saw her prenatal feet kicking the sides of my uterus
and searching for an exit?
did you pick me up when i was six months pregnant and carry me over a field of broken glass
just because i had forgotten my shoes?
did you share your lunch with me? your orange soda?
were you there when i first felt the little vibrations within, the earthquakes of her
flailing limbs demanding attention?
did you sit in the floor patiently for hours with one hand on my stomach,
waiting for something to happen?
did you give her ridiculous little nicknames, like "charlie" or "chuck"
or "skyhawk"
which always made me laugh?
did you selflessly offer me a place to stay when housing condemned my dorm and
pushed me into overflow?
were you there when the loneliness spread across my aura like a disease
and my eyes fell apart in an antediluvian flood?
did i get your shirt wet?
did you get me my first baby toy?
my first baby crib?
did you tell me over and over again that
you believed in me, that i had that pregnant "glow," that i would be a wonderful mother, that you wanted to be an uncle or an aunt or
a godparent?
did you organize a surprise baby shower in my honour?
did you designate the front seat as the only place i was allowed to sit?
did you tease me relentlessly with "eating for two" jokes?
(and sleeping for two, and breathing for two, and hugging for two...)
did you make me feel beautiful even when my face was dotted red
with broken blood vessels
and my hair stood out on end
and my lips were covered with fever blisters
and i looked as if i had swallowed a watermelon?
did you bring me candy, apples, words of wisdom,
fresh water for a parched throat,
fresh love for a starving soul?
did you bring baby books (to be read in utero),
lists of possible names,
reflections,
photographs?
did you bring love for both me and my unborn daughter?

if you have answered yes to the previous questions,
then you have earned the right to wear
the title of "father."